a four-leaf clover, a three-leaf clover
by ShinigamiForever
Summary: Um, 1+2, slight 3+4, a somewhat of a death fic. Under the influence of way too much Clover. A group of diary excerpts and recordings about the effect of Heero's death on other people. Don't read if you're easily bored.


a four-leaf clover, a three-leaf clover  
  
By: ShinigamiForever  
  
A/N: Another one of my longer hit-and-run fanfics. Don't read it if you're easily bored, let me tell you. Is in a collection format, meaning it contains supposed tape recordings of people talking and diary excerpts. Inspired by Kristin Huntsman's A Love Ballad, a X/1999 fic unfinished, but fantastically good.  
  
===  
If you find a four-leaf clover,  
It will bring happiness;  
  
But  
don't tell  
Anyone  
  
Where its white flower  
blooms.  
  
Or how how many leaf-lets from its stem extend.  
  
The four-leaved clover.  
  
I only want your happiness, knowing  
I can never be yours to share it.  
  
If you find a four-leaf clover,  
You'll have found happiness.  
  
But it will   
  
Never be found,  
  
Since happiness rests inside  
That secret cage.  
  
No one can own  
The four-leaf clover.  
  
But then what of  
The three-leaf clover?  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 2546001  
January 28, AC 201  
Code g3hxe9571  
  
  
Why the hell am I here again? Sometimes, you-   
  
(breath)  
  
walk into a room looking for something and it ends up not there, you know...   
  
You go wandering...  
  
(3 second pause)  
  
But that's not what's bothering me...  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
It's like-   
  
(nervous laughter)   
  
(1 second pause, sharp intake of breath)  
  
like playing Russian Roulette. You know-   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
You pull the trigger, if it's a blank chamber, you live. If not, well-  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
That's it.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Nothing.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Death.  
  
(4 second pause)  
  
Gone. Like Heero.  
  
(panting, then a deep breath)  
  
Either way...  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
It's an end.  
  
***  
  
excerpt from diary of D. Maxwell  
Entry date: January 29, AC 201  
  
except sometimes you want to live so much you want to die. you know it just kinda happens no reason you look at a razor blade and wonder how much it would hurt to just slowly bleed yourself to death. Q tells me that i should never commit suicide cause its wrong and all that but still, you want to live so much you want to take that living pain full of ashes and fire and make it your own somehow. T always asks me worriedly at the end of the day how was my day? and i'd answer like i should, fine and he nods. anyway, what i want to say is today i walked across a bridge and didnt jump off of it/ today i went through without wanting to strangle myself/ today i ate and didn't throw up/ things like that but he would never understand nobody does nobody understands me like  
  
hes gone now wishing wont bring him back. i wonder sometimes, if it would have been me how would he have felt? would he have cared? but hes gone now and wishing wont bring him back dear god there is no god and wishing wont bring him back hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone  
  
no  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 2546012  
February 11, AC 201  
Code yu2n4z02  
  
Everyone always wants to know about Heero Yui. You wanna know about Heero Yui?  
  
(pause, bark of laughter)  
  
Yeah, I wanna know about Heero Yui too. Heero the hero.  
  
(another bark of laughter)  
  
No pun intended.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
He was perfect, like they said he was. Perfect. Way too perfect. Heero Yui the perfect soldier. And here I am suffering the same delirium. He loved perfection more than he loved anything else. He could probably keep his perfect demeanor under any situation.  
  
(sound of chair scuffling)  
  
Anyway...  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Perfection. Back to that. Did I tell you he loved perfection?  
  
(pause)  
  
That's why he never loved me.  
  
***  
  
excerpt from diary of D. Maxwell  
Entry date: February 18, AC 201  
  
kinda wanted fairy tales to be true like they say in books. knight in shining armor and all that crap. I can see Q telling me to cheer up hands me a cup of coffee and tells me to eat. well, W says that grief is part of loss but what the fuck does he know. hes never lost someone he loved with heart and soul did he? anyway i listen to the rain fall outside and kinda want to get sick and fall dead maybe i can join him that way. i listen to T whisper Q's name like it was some kinda holy mantra you know i was like that once too i wouldn't mind being in love all over again cept the one i love is dead  
  
he's dead and we steal the namesakes from his draining blood and flesh like vampiric demigods  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 301895  
January 12, AC 200  
Code xkot6281si  
Memo: Chang Wufei  
  
He was selfish.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
This is the first time I have ever said that. I've never told anyone what I truly thought of Yui's death.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
I think he was selfish. For ending his pain, but increasing everyone else's.   
  
(3 second pause, deep breath)  
  
You see, he never thought about who he was leaving behind.  
  
(another breath)  
  
And of course, all the unlikely people that miss him.  
  
(soft whisper)  
  
I miss him.  
  
...  
  
A lot.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
He was my brother in war.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
He left me behind.  
  
(deep breath)  
  
Have you ever seen Wing Zero Custom take off? It's this mist of wind and fog and steam, it's beautiful. There's this roaring ripping movement of a mechanical bird that takes flight, and the wings, always the wings. We used to call it the Angel. It looked like a phoenix to me, always reborn somehow. Nobody could stay away from it.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
It left us, back when it first took off.   
  
(3 second pause)  
  
It never came back, and it took its pilot with it.  
  
***  
  
excerpt from diary of D. Maxwell  
Entry date: March 14, AC 201  
  
i hate spring. its too melty and new and lifey. there's too much rebirth. it's like the entire fucking season is trying to make up for all human misery by regrowing its leaves and grass. ive always hated that season. i hate it now, more than ever. the snow melted a long time ago, an i want it back, all that newspaper-printed blankets that spread over the bare grass. i want it back. it won't come back. i have always asked for what never comes back  
  
you know that old saying about letting it go and seeing if it comes back?  
  
i wonder if it is true  
  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death and he is never coming back  
  
he left under the spinlight of the glory of death  
  
i want him back  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 6928176  
March 23, AC 201  
Code azifvcj920jg  
  
Forgive me, Mother Mary...  
  
(inhale, exhale)  
  
Forgive me....  
  
I come to confess sins that have been lodged in my heart.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
They taught us that it was sin to own another person. I have been a willing victim of that sin, and I want my master back.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
I come to give my sorrow to God in hopes he has some way to cure my aching wounds and spread the healing salve on my cuts that bleed raw and sore.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Pity, Mother Mary....  
  
Pity....  
  
***  
excerpt from diary of H. Yui  
Entry date: September 9, AC 199  
  
Ba dheas an la go oiche  
Na glortha binne i mo thaobh  
'S aoibhneas i gach ait gan gruaim  
Athas ar mo chroi go deo  
He-a-ro  
He-a-o-ro  
  
Ma shiulaim o na laetha beo  
An ghrian 's an ghealach ar mo chul  
Nil uaim ach smaointe o mo shaoil  
Deara ar mo chroi go bron  
He-a-ro  
He-a-ro  
He-a-o-ro  
  
There is a voice that calls me. It speaks with the willow leaves of China and the ancient tea ceremony of Japan, a curious monotony of beauty and slender notes that float above.  
  
Give, surrender, accept, it says.  
  
I do what it commands.  
  
I feel the fog as it envelops me. It demands something from me in its moonlit way. It whispers in voices of amaranthine and silver. I have never heard such a sound before.  
  
I am bidden away, and I willingly lose myself in this dream of mist and silent music. There are white sakura petals on the stream, and they float down, without control of their actions, of their direction, allowing the stream to just carry them into whatever crystal heaven they belong.  
  
That is me, floating down away on arms of fog and voices, whispers of comfort.  
  
It is autumn  
As it has always been  
In the darkness  
fingertips collide with the grace and balance  
of firelights and fireflies  
deeply  
We care for the passing of this season  
It is autumn  
as it has always been  
Sometimes we cannot speak  
because lodged in our throats  
is the catch of winter  
It is autumn  
as it has always been  
They told me that the drops of summerwine  
folds into the fabric of artwork  
and we count in silver inches  
It is autumn  
as it has always been  
  
***  
Tape No. 3019676843  
April 27, AC 201  
Code epwoatj9081jg  
  
He used to keep a journal. Like I do, but in a different way.  
  
(2 second pause, flip of paper)  
  
I write without capitals, without sentences, just incoherent thought. His journal is a work of form, of balanced grammar and spelling. He wrote poems and little haikus, pretty vignettes in his journal.  
  
(2 second pause, laughter)  
  
I realize how poetic he was now.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Reading his journal, I realize also just how beautiful his mind was. I would never think of the kinds of metaphors he thinks of. He likens kisses to the blossoming of exotic summer flowers flooding in red color. He likens butterflies to the swatches of flitting lights on a running stream.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Oh god....  
  
(catch in voice)  
  
I never realized how beautiful he was.  
  
***  
  
excerpt from diary of W. Chang  
Entry date: September 12, AC 199  
  
I feel Yui slipping away from us. He slides through the fingers of reality like a string of silvered pearls, never holding still. He has somehow separated himself from the rest of the world, calm within himself. There is something calling him.  
  
I am scared.  
  
Today, sitting at the tea table, holding his cup of tea, he faded. Inside of himself. You could see him answering, smiling, nodding, but in his eyes, he was gone. There was no Heero Yui. He somehow died in himself. Duo got panicky, he started yelling, just repeating Yui's name. It frightened something inside of me too, froze me up everywhere. I have never seen death in the soft fading form, just death in the violence and bloodshed.   
  
Never this.  
  
Never this fading of the soul, this uncaring.   
  
Of course he came back, but-  
  
He speaks with the voice of one paired with the distant lands of beyond.  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 6892018  
June 7, AC 201  
Code kcoait320581  
  
(music in background)  
  
Hear that song?  
  
(music plays for 5 seconds, voice is quiet)  
  
It's called Silver Inches, by Enya. She was a singer back in the 21st century or so. Anyway.  
  
(2 second pause, music plays)  
  
I kinda like her music. It's comforting.  
  
(3 second pause, music plays)  
  
She has a way with her voice.  
  
(3 second pause, music plays)  
  
And the music is nice.  
  
(3 second pause)  
  
Heero used to listen to her a lot, in the last few months of his...  
  
(2 second pause, music stops, new song plays)  
  
Well, you know.  
  
("Pilgrim how you journey, on the road you chose")  
  
The song that catches me most is this one, "Pilgrim." It's almost haunting because I guess it reminds me of what happened to Heero.  
  
("All days come from one day, that much you must know")  
  
Now, me listening to it, it's not telling me to find myself, as it was to Heero. It just tells me the story of a life and what I must do with me. To just understand what happened to Heero.   
  
("One way leads to gold, another leads you only to everything you're told. In your heart you wonder, which of these is true; the road that leads to nowhere, the road that leads to you.")  
  
I'm trying.  
  
("Will you find the answer in all you say and do?")  
  
I really am. It's just hard. I don't where to start, and where to end. And sometimes, I feel like I'm just going to end up like him.  
  
("the reason why the winds die, and where the stories go.")  
  
***  
Tape No. 19430826  
September 26, AC 199  
3:16:34 PM  
Code zlaldsigj194  
  
(sound of door crashing open, chair scuffling)  
  
D: Heero! Heero! Oh god, Heero!  
  
Q: Duo, calm down! What's wrong!  
  
D: Heero! He went- I don't know- there's something- stuck! He just- oh god-   
  
W: Calm down! Take a deep breath, Maxwell.   
  
D: Just- Calm down?!- what? He's- sitting- dead- god-  
  
T: Where is he? Duo?   
  
D: Where- who? living room?- gone!- completely!- faded- away-  
  
W: Shit!  
  
(sound of person rushing out of door, followed by others)  
  
***  
  
excerpt from diary of W. Chang  
Entry date: September 26, AC 199  
  
It has happened today.  
  
He is gone now.   
  
Gone.  
  
The doctors and medical personnel don't know what to make of it. He is stretched out on the bed in the hospital before me. He is perhaps in a coma. His body is just slowly fading away. Like ice cream, melting away before us.  
  
Gone, gone, gone, gone...  
  
He is fading.  
  
There is almost nothing left...  
  
Gone gone gone gone....  
  
The end is infinite as a ribbon wraps itself around the finite plane of life.  
  
Gone gone gone...  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 79329868  
June 16, AC 201  
Code eiqojznbh3919fm  
  
So, his death? What happened?  
  
(pause)  
  
Well, he didn't jump off a cliff or shoot himself or anything.  
  
(pause)  
  
It was all very quiet. One day, it seems like he was active and healthy, a little distracted maybe. The next day, poof!  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Gone.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Not like physically gone. His self, soul I guess...  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
He just caved into himself, went too deeply into his mental reveries. Left his body.  
  
(2 second pause, deep breath)  
  
So what became of Heero Yui?  
  
(2 second pause, slight laughter)  
  
Nothing. He just disappeared.  
  
(1 second pause)  
  
He used to come back, but he doesn't do that anymore.  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 15940206  
September 13, AC 199  
Code zogjeubhe93jzk  
Memo: Heero Yui  
  
I shall arise and go now, for always night and day...  
  
(intake of breath, rustle of paper)  
  
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore...  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavement gray...  
  
(2 second pause, inhale, exhale)  
  
I hear it in the deep heart's core...  
  
(softer whisper)  
  
I hear it in the deep heart's core...  
  
(2 second pause, flip of book pages)  
  
***  
  
Tape No. 389120576  
July 29, AC 201  
Code ci30bnaibol43  
  
Death isn't what I thought it was when I was 15.  
  
(2 second pause, faint laughter)  
  
Come to think of it, a lot of what I thought has changed now.  
  
(pause, intake of breath)  
  
Love isn't what I thought it would be, either.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
But mostly death changed.   
  
(2 second pause)  
  
I used to think it was like the end of all endings. The finality of death is still there, that hasn't changed. But the idea of it, the feel of it, its color...  
  
(3 second pause, sigh)  
  
As if... as if the picture has been shoved under a different color shade. As if now it is the color of dried flowers and wistful longing instead of the iron color of blood and crimson kisses.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Sometimes, I still wake up in the morning with my pillow wet. During nights, I figure I still cry. Just the scent of aloe vera and orange blossoms can bring tears into my eyes, stinging under eyelids and lashes.  
  
(pause)  
  
I thought death ended the person, as if their very existence and memory was wiped out when they died. A candle snuffed out, persay.  
  
(2 second pause, nervous laughter)  
  
I forgot about the smoke, the lingering scent.  
  
(pause)  
  
Heero Yui lingers. He hides under the dusty shadows of every room, haunting me with his memory.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Somehow, it doesn't hurt that much now.  
  
(pause)  
  
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Sometimes, it still comes back like a panic attack, stinging, painful.  
  
(inhale, exhale)  
  
But love and memory can soothe over some wounds, they wrap cuts up in bandages.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
Sometimes, it feels like Heero is holding my hand.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
I hear him in the deep heart's core.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
And soon, I will find some peace.  
  
(2 second pause)  
  
My peace, and his peace.  
  
***  
  
I want happiness  
I seek happiness  
  
to cause your happiness  
to be your happiness  
  
so take me  
someplace far away  
to a true Elsewhere  
please take me there  
  
magic that lasts  
never-ending kiss  
revery without break  
unperishable bliss  
  
take me  
I want happiness  
  
birds sing  
song of unknown tongue  
though winged, they  
still fail to reach the sky  
  
a place not to be treaded alone  
  
so take me  
to a true Elsewhere  
  
wet feathers,  
locked fingers,  
melting flesh,  
fusing minds  
  
take me  
I want happiness  
  
Not your past  
but your present is what I seek,  
carefully winding back its fragile thread  
  
please take me there  
  
I want happiness  
  
I want happiness  
I seek happiness  
  
to cause your happiness  
to be your happiness  
  
take me  
to a true Elsewhere.  
deliver me,  
  
a bird in a gilded cage,  
a bird bereft of flight,  
a bird that cannot cry,  
a bird all by itself.  
  
so take me  
I want happiness  
  
happy just to be with you,  
happy just to see your smile.  
  
so take me  
to a true Elsewhere  
  
please, take me  
to happiness  
  
my first thought  
and my last wish,  
  
a promised land where fairies wait  
with room just enough for two.  
  
so deliver me, help me  
  
to forget the tribulations of the day  
and to stay in this dream of night  
where I can be thnking of you forever  
  
take me  
  
to my bliss  
  
***  
  
A/N: And now, the credits.  
  
Short poem belongs to CLAMP  
  
"Ba dheas an la go oiche."  
Song from the Enya CD, I forgot the name...-_-;;  
  
"Pilgrim" belongs also to Enya.  
  
"The Lake Isle of Innisfree" belongs to William Butler Yeats.  
  
"Clover" & "Clover II" belongs to CLAMP. 


End file.
